Sunday, March 30, 2014

Road Rules

Connecticut Road Rules: a compilation of what I've learned from other drivers.

Video: Driver making a left turn on red, because most
drivers know that you can ignore the red light at this intersection.

1. If someone is in front of you, no matter how fast they are going, regardless of whether or not they are passing the cars in the right lane, bully and harass them by flashing your lights, honking your horn, and threatening to rear-end them if they don't get out of your way.

2. If the posted speed limit is 25, you should be doing 45.

3. If the posted speed limit is 45, you should be doing 65.

4. If the posted speed limit is 65, you should be doing 80.

5. If the posted speed limit is 55, just ignore it; everyone knows the speed limit was raised to 65 years ago.

6. Shoulders are for passing on the right.

7. Bicycles should remain on sidewalks; if someone is stupid enough to ride their bicycle on the side of the road, honk your horn and curse loudly at them.

8. Ignore yellow lights; if the light turns red, keep going, especially if the car in front of you is still going.

9. Slow down, but don't stop, for stop signs.

10. Closer = Faster. If the car in front of you isn't less than three feet behind the car in front of it, that driver is going too slow.

11. If you've got three lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic, weave in and out of each lane, because you will magically get out of the traffic jam and reach your destination faster.

12. Drive like you own the road and everyone else is trespassing.

13. When switching lanes, use your turn signal after you've already moved into the new lane.

14. If you get stuck behind someone doing only 10 or 15 miles above the posted speed limit, go around them, and then pull back into their lane before you've finished passing them, just barely avoiding hitting them.

15. If there's only one lane and it's a no-passing zone, but the car in front of you is doing the posted speed limit, or even ten above the posted speed limit, you are justified in passing them on the wrong side of the road.

16. If you're driving on a narrow city street, especially if you're driving past a park or through a residential area, go faster. If a kid or pet darts out in front of you and you hit them, it's their fault for thinking they could cross the street.

17. Never stop for pedestrians trying to cross the street.

18. If you're driving a Lexus, especially if it's an SUV, you are entitled to be extra rude and aggressive, because, after all, you're in a Lexus and you're Special.

19. When passing on the right, honk your horn to startle the other driver and to let them know that you hate them because they temporarily prevented you from doing 80 in a 55 zone.

20. If you want to turn right on red, and the car in front of you isn't budging for whatever reason (pedestrian crossing the street, oncoming traffic, etc.), honk your horn to force them to get out of your way.

21. If you want to turn right on red, and the car in front of you isn't budging even after you've honked your horn, go around them on the left and then make the right turn in front of them.

22. Never be courteous or considerate of other drivers; after all, you are the only one who matters.

23. If you're about to make a left turn, pull to the right; if you're about to make a right turn, pull to the left. It will confuse the heck out of other drivers, and it will make you feel like you're driving a big ol' 18-wheeler and own the road.

Remember, driving is a competition, and you can't win if there's another car in front of you! Be rude, be aggressive, and they'll regret ever existing!

(Disclaimer: this is intended as satire, as a way to voice the frustrations I feel driving in Connecticut.)

1 comment:

Jes said...

This is hilarious and true! I drive from the Saint Mary's bridge to almost Wolcott and, man, Wolcott Street? Driving that street at about 5ish on a weekday? Demolition derby!